Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

 

Dear Face­less,

Here we are on the Most Majes­tic of Mar­ket­ing events: VD Day — er, Valentine’s Day… although I’d be will­ing to bet that by the time the sun comes up tomor­row, many an unsus­pect­ing man or women will refer to today as exact­ly that.  It’s not quite the Holi­est of Hall­mark Hol­i­days — Christ­mas trumps it by a fair­ly healthy mar­gin, but it’s still ahead of Mother’s Day.

(Hm… maybe Ma was right — he does love the lit­tle %@&! more than her. Awwwk­ward.)

This is the day of the year that even the low­est-grade, wax­i­est choco­late or the droop­i­est rose will sell for top dol­lar and be in ultra-high demand. I could rant about the mer­its (or lack of ) tied to Valentine’s Day — but that would be too easy. So instead, I thought I’d enlight­en you with a few inter­est­ing facts and pos­si­ble gift ideas for that spe­cial some­one. Yes, I’m a giv­er.

1. FACT OF QUESTIONABLE INTEREST:

Teach­ers will receive more Valentine’s Day cards and choco­lates today than any­one else. Which makes sense, when you think about it: all those kid­dies on their way to their in-class par­ties, back­packs loaded with “Will You Be Mine?” cards for that spe­cial crush — there must be a few things smug­gled in there for dear Ms. Robin­son. But I’m hap­py to report that the love doesn’t end when they leave ele­men­tary school — in fact, some high school teach­ers appear to be get­ting more than their fair share of atten­tion from their stu­dents. So Hap­py Valentine’s Day, Ms. C. — we’ll see you in a few years. Don’t wor­ry – that box of Pot of Golds on your desk will keep.

 

2. INTERESTING FACT, ALMOST DESTROYED BY A SAPPY CHICK FLICK:

While teach­ers will get more drug­store Valen­tines than any­one else today, the real win­ner will be a lit­tle lady (and I feel the need to remind peo­ple, a fic­tion­al one) named Juli­et. Some film­mak­ers made a sap­py rom-com a few years back (what’s that? It sucked, you say? No, that Can’t be.) about Juliet’s Sec­re­taries — a group of vol­un­teers hun­kered down in a lit­tle red-brick office far from the cen­ter of Verona that reply to the thou­sands of let­ters that pour in each year, ask­ing for advice on love, life, and such. Of course the film ver­sion was quite roman­ti­cised (weird for a sap­py chick flick, I know), but these ‘sec­re­taries’ actu­al­ly exist, sift­ing through moun­tains of what I imag­ine to be the most fas­ci­nat­ing, occa­sion­al­ly dis­turb­ing and unde­ni­ably bizarre col­lec­tion of love-filled ram­blings ever penned. It’s like to writ­ing to San­ta, I sup­pose — just for the obsessed/romantically afflicted/whackadoodles among us.

 

Speak­ing of fascinating/disturbing/whackadoodles…

 

3. SOMEWHAT DISTURBING/TOTALLY ORIGINAL GIFT IDEATRUST ME, SHE WON’T RUN INTO SOMEONE WEARING ANYTHING QUITE LIKE IT:

What’s that you say, Face­less? You’re look­ing for the per­fect present to show that spe­cial some­one just how crazy (lit­er­al­ly) in love you are with them? Got you cov­ered — this lady can def­i­nite­ly help. Her web­site states that she’s been cre­at­ing unde­ni­ably strange-yet-fas­ci­nat­ing works of wear­able art that “desta­bilise ideas about beau­ty”. You can pur­chase an ele­gant sil­ver ring with some ran­dom donor’s molar embed­ded in it, or per­haps treat her to a love­ly medal­lion made from some­one else’s hair. Or you can tru­ly daz­zle your Beloved with your own teeth and locks, there­by earn­ing you a 10% dis­count. After all, noth­ing says “I love you — and you should prob­a­bly sleep with one eye open” quite like a gift made from, well, bits of your­self. It’s guar­an­teed to either impress the pants off her or earn you a restrain­ing order. Good luck.

4. OPTIONS FOR THE MASSES SICK AS SH%T OF VALENTINE’S DAY:

And of course, there will always be those that for some rea­son or the oth­er that find them­selves solo on the 14th (per­haps as a result of the front teeth/pubic hair bracelet they ordered for their loved one last Valentine’s Day not being as well-received as they had hoped — in which case please accept my sin­cer­est apolo­gies. I was only try­ing to help.).

For them, there are quite a few options… you could go to Wind­sor, Ontario, where this bar  is throw­ing an anti-Valentine’s Day par­ty. Pub­lic canoodling is for­bid­den, promis­ing to be a night devoid of the sap and mush of the day — a ver­i­ta­ble safe-haven for sin­gles to min­gle with oth­ers,  and hope­ful­ly get them drunk enough to ignore the fact that they’re miss­ing both front teeth and all the hair on the left side of their head.  Or, you could find one of the events mark­ing Inter­na­tion­al Quirkyalone Day , dubbed as “a cel­e­bra­tion of all kinds of love: roman­tic, pla­ton­ic, famil­ial and yes, self-love”.  Hm… Bet­ter stock up on bat­ter­ies.

Hap­py Valentine’s Day Face­less — enjoy your evening.

Whatcha thinking, Faceless? Share those feelings.

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