Here we are on the Most Majestic of Marketing events: VD Day — er, Valentine’s Day… although I’d be willing to bet that by the time the sun comes up tomorrow, many an unsuspecting man or women will refer to today as exactly that. It’s not quite the Holiest of Hallmark Holidays — Christmas trumps it by a fairly healthy margin, but it’s still ahead of Mother’s Day.
(Hm… maybe Ma was right — he does love the little %@&! more than her. Awwwkward.)
This is the day of the year that even the lowest-grade, waxiest chocolate or the droopiest rose will sell for top dollar and be in ultra-high demand. I could rant about the merits (or lack of ) tied to Valentine’s Day — but that would be too easy. So instead, I thought I’d enlighten you with a few interesting facts and possible gift ideas for that special someone. Yes, I’m a giver.
1. FACT OF QUESTIONABLE INTEREST:
Teachers will receive more Valentine’s Day cards and chocolates today than anyone else. Which makes sense, when you think about it: all those kiddies on their way to their in-class parties, backpacks loaded with “Will You Be Mine?” cards for that special crush — there must be a few things smuggled in there for dear Ms. Robinson. But I’m happy to report that the love doesn’t end when they leave elementary school — in fact, some high school teachers appear to be getting more than their fair share of attention from their students. So Happy Valentine’s Day, Ms. C. — we’ll see you in a few years. Don’t worry – that box of Pot of Golds on your desk will keep.
2. INTERESTING FACT, ALMOST DESTROYED BY A SAPPY CHICK FLICK:
While teachers will get more drugstore Valentines than anyone else today, the real winner will be a little lady (and I feel the need to remind people, a fictional one) named Juliet. Some filmmakers made a sappy rom-com a few years back (what’s that? It sucked, you say? No, that Can’t be.) about Juliet’s Secretaries — a group of volunteers hunkered down in a little red-brick office far from the center of Verona that reply to the thousands of letters that pour in each year, asking for advice on love, life, and such. Of course the film version was quite romanticised (weird for a sappy chick flick, I know), but these ‘secretaries’ actually exist, sifting through mountains of what I imagine to be the most fascinating, occasionally disturbing and undeniably bizarre collection of love-filled ramblings ever penned. It’s like to writing to Santa, I suppose — just for the obsessed/romantically afflicted/whackadoodles among us.
Speaking of fascinating/disturbing/whackadoodles…
3. SOMEWHAT DISTURBING/TOTALLY ORIGINAL GIFT IDEA — TRUST ME, SHE WON’T RUN INTO SOMEONE WEARING ANYTHING QUITE LIKE IT:
What’s that you say, Faceless? You’re looking for the perfect present to show that special someone just how crazy (literally) in love you are with them? Got you covered — this lady can definitely help. Her website states that she’s been creating undeniably strange-yet-fascinating works of wearable art that “destabilise ideas about beauty”. You can purchase an elegant silver ring with some random donor’s molar embedded in it, or perhaps treat her to a lovely medallion made from someone else’s hair. Or you can truly dazzle your Beloved with your own teeth and locks, thereby earning you a 10% discount. After all, nothing says “I love you — and you should probably sleep with one eye open” quite like a gift made from, well, bits of yourself. It’s guaranteed to either impress the pants off her or earn you a restraining order. Good luck.
4. OPTIONS FOR THE MASSES SICK AS SH%T OF VALENTINE’S DAY:
And of course, there will always be those that for some reason or the other that find themselves solo on the 14th (perhaps as a result of the front teeth/pubic hair bracelet they ordered for their loved one last Valentine’s Day not being as well-received as they had hoped — in which case please accept my sincerest apologies. I was only trying to help.).
For them, there are quite a few options… you could go to Windsor, Ontario, where this bar is throwing an anti-Valentine’s Day party. Public canoodling is forbidden, promising to be a night devoid of the sap and mush of the day — a veritable safe-haven for singles to mingle with others, and hopefully get them drunk enough to ignore the fact that they’re missing both front teeth and all the hair on the left side of their head. Or, you could find one of the events marking International Quirkyalone Day , dubbed as “a celebration of all kinds of love: romantic, platonic, familial and yes, self-love”. Hm… Better stock up on batteries.
Happy Valentine’s Day Faceless — enjoy your evening.